Psychological

• Childhood messaging- the way we grew up can significantly impact our view of sex as an adult. Did you grow up in a religious or repressive environment? Did you see your family or friends shaming others’ for their sexual expression or experiences? Growing up in any of these ways can lead to shameful thoughts about sex, making it difficult to fully enjoy the experience.

• Previous trauma - experiencing physical or sexual trauma as a child or adult can lead a person to feel shame or associate extremely distressing memories with sex, leading them to avoid it altogether. In general, psychological trauma can cloud our ability to fully enjoy the world around us, including physical and emotional sensations which can make sexual experiences unenjoyable or difficult.

• Social media - beliefs from social media can also impact our view of sex. Even if you grew up in a healthy environment, getting lost in internet forums or scrolling through Instagram can teach unhealthy or unrealistic views on sex. If you go into a sexual experience with an unrealistic expectation, the experience will almost always fall flat, unfortunately.

• Mental health - mental health experiences like anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. can all have a negative impact on sex. This could be due to low self esteem, negative self talk or worry, difficulty staying focused, or difficulty relaxing your body. For example, if your body is already feeling anxious, your brain is releasing stress hormones, making it difficult for your brain can release feel good hormones instead.

Physical

• Physical issues - for some individuals, their body is set up in a way that makes sex difficult. This could be since birth or acquired difference. This can make sex uncomfortable or painful.

• Medical conditions - factors leading to uncomfortable or painful sex can include bladder issues, IBS, skin issues, hormonal issues, muscular issues, etc. Issues like these can lead to low arousal, orgasmic issues, physical pain, etc.

• Medical issues leading to psychological issues - in some cases these physical/medical issues can lead to negative beliefs about sex. For example, if you have a painful experience during sex, you could begin to associate it with pain in the future, leading to a vicious cycle of negative beliefs, physical issues, and low arousal or unenjoyment during sex.

Relational

• Relationship difficulties - if you’re engaging in sex with another person, your relationship could impact sexual satisfaction. For example, couples going through a stressful period may have difficulties feeling aroused.

• Dating or casual relationships - if you are not in a long term relationship, it can be difficult to communicate your needs multiple times to new partners plus feeling fully comfortable can be difficult.

• Communication difficulties or people pleasing - if you are, for whatever reason, having difficulty communicating your sexual wants with your partner, this could also create difficulties in many ways. For example, if you haven’t shared that you really liked “that thing” they did last time, they won’t know to do it again. This can be especially difficult if you want to please your partner (which is great!), and you deserve to be pleased as well.

What to do

• Medical providers and therapy - if your difficulties with sex are new, it is smart to consult a medical provider first. If these difficulties are long standing, especially related to psychological and relational factors, therapy is a great place to start. Therapy can help manage physical difficulties as long as you’ve been checked out by a medical provider first.

• Environment - sex is like sleep: the environment is key. Is the area comfortable and free of distractions? If not, what are some things you could do to make it better? i.e. replace the lamp bulb with a softer light, turn on a sound machine, lock the door, etc.).

• Mindfulness and relaxation - mindfulness exercises can greatly improve your sexual experiences. This means practicing mindfulness outside of the bedroom, like body scans or deep breathing meditations. This can also mean mindfulness inside the bedroom as well. For example, focusing non-judgmentally on the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.

• Explore yourself - that’s right! Exploring your own body and what makes it feel good can help you communicate your sexual wants and needs to partners, or simply to begin associating positive feelings with sexual experiences (whether another person is involved or not).

• It’s about the journey, not the destination - sex is enjoyable for many reasons, so “getting off” doesn’t have to be the main goal. In fact, people report higher sexual satisfaction when they simply enjoy the experience. Orgasm can be a fun reward, but it doesn’t have to be what it’s all about.

Whether your troubles have been longstanding or new, there is hope that things can get better! I specialize in young adults, especially those who are navigating the world of dating. If you are in the state of Tennessee and this article resonated with you, please feel free to schedule a session through my website, or call or text.